Jean Lund's Blog











Frankie Goes To Hollywood-  The Power Of Love (right click and choose Open in a new window to listen while reading)

The Cure – From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea

June, 1996

As she sat in the empty parking lot of the bank, she suddenly realized the importance of having a notebook with her at all times. The stress of the past year had affected her memory and it was important now to get her thoughts on paper as quickly as possible. It had been another emotional two weeks. It was early morning in Los Angeles as she drove from the San Fernando Valley to Santa Clarita. Along the way she watched the sun coming up behind the foothills. She reached over and put in the tape he had recorded for her and pushed play. As she listened she felt a power come over her. So many answers became clear to her for the first time. She now understood what he meant and why she hadn’t been able to write their story. Her heart raced at the vision she was seeing. It showed her their story and where to begin. Deep in thought, a floodgate had opened in her mind as she made her way north. It was enough to make her stop crying. Minutes earlier she had left Pitar at the Flyaway bus terminal that would take him to the Los Angeles Airport where once again he would board a plane taking him home to Toronto. As they sat on a bench in front of the bus she caressed his face. She had promised herself she wouldn’t cry but tears kept seeping from her eyes. She brushed them aside but only succeeded in smearing mascara across both sides of her face. He hadn’t said he loved her once in the past two weeks and she had felt him withdrawing. Even now, goodbye couldn’t bring him to say the words. He had said many times over the past several months that he didn’t want ‘words.’ He wanted her to show him that she loved him. But how? He wiped the tears from her face gently saying, “Don’t cry. I’m not sad anymore.” She looked into his face, but could see moisture surrounding his eyes. She took in his entire five-foot ten inch frame, thin from being sick. She knew every mark; every contour of his body for she had studied him well. Now she stroked his wavy brown hair as they kissed. “I won’t say goodbye”, he whispered. Then he boarded the bus walking to the back before taking a seat. He turned toward the window facing her and tried to give his best smile while waving goodbye. She blew him a kiss and he returned it.

As the engine started she walked to his window and pressed an open hand against the glass. He matched hers as though they were one. Backing away, tears flowed as she stood in the grass watching once again as the bus drove him out of sight. She stopped in the rest room to rinse her face and walked out of the terminal back to her car. It was six-fifteen in the morning and sunrise was just starting as she headed home. She put in the tape they had been listening to on the way that morning. One of many he had recorded for her since they met. Power of Love played loudly and the words were all him: ‘Power of Love, a force from above. Make love your goal.’ Everything he’d been telling her was right there in the lyrics. It wasn’t the first time she had heard it but it was the first time she understood it. “God damnit,” she cried out loud. “Why don’t you carry your recorder with you? That’s what he bought it for you for!” She knew she had to remember these scenes, these strong emotions for they were a very big part of their story. The car drove itself towards home as her thoughts were grasping for every detail, saying them out loud along the way in hopes it would help her remember them until she could write them down. She thought about her family, the husband she had filed for divorce from and the man she had just left behind. The word ‘chance’ started flashing in front of her. The true meaning of the words suddenly became clear to her. She needed to take the chance. The chance that what they felt was real and their love would come first. That would also mean changing her life. Was she willing to do it? Suddenly she became alert behind the wheel and focused like never before. She knew their destiny of being together was right. In a flash it came to her why she hadn’t started writing their story. It was because she hadn’t let herself use the power that came with the gift of their love. He wanted her to “show” him that she loved him. Beyond words. Beyond the “I love yous.” She knew then just how to show him. She would write their story.

She stopped at the bank and searched the car frantically for some paper. She took some envelopes from the ATM machine and started feverishly writing down recollections on both sides. Though the notes were short they covered a lot of ground and would be enough to get started. She started up the engine, took the sunglasses from the top of her head and headed into the sunrise towards home. Not far in front of her a hot air balloon of multi colors was landing in a nearby field. She turned the tape back on. The combination of the colors and the music made her heart play like a symphony. When she got home, she sat down with her notes and like Mozart himself the keyboard began to play. She stroked in even tempo and began writing their “Love Song.”

It was late September, 1995 when Leanne made a choice that would change her life forever. She’d been off work for several months due to a job injury that would require surgery to release nerve pain in her neck. Her husband Jeff had offered no sympathy because he was too wrapped up in his own job stress. Leanne met Jeff seven years earlier when he became a regular customer at the bistro she ran. They had come to know each other quite well and found they shared a love of golf, traveling and a quick wit. Jeff was divorced and had raised two sons who were out on their own. Leanne was married and had two girls and a boy, all in their teens. Their friendship was such that she felt she could tell him anything and that included that she had decided to leave her husband. She told him she was going to leave the state so she could get away from David as she feared what he might do to her and the kids. David had a history of bipolar behavior and for the past several months hed become increasingly violent. Upset at the thought of her moving away he offered to rent a place for her and her kids. Even with knowing his generous nature she thought he was joking but then he made it clear he was serious. Grateful for his generosity, but doubtful, she pondered the possibilities including trying to figure out how she might be able to pay back the money he would use. Soon Jeff began coming to the bistro more often and the energy changed between them. Suddenly all of their similar interests, beliefs and personalities screamed out to one another in realization without a sound. One night he walked her to her car and confided that he had long been in love with her and would marry her in a heartbeat if she’d have him. The old saying of jumping from the frying pan into the fire filled her head but because they knew each other so well it didn’t take much for their friendship to slip naturally into love. It happened so fast that she felt they needed a serious discussion of the possibility of being together. Most importantly she wanted to remind him that he would be taking on a ready-made family. Jeff had only positive thoughts about it saying that a home filled with love would settle them down. Leanne planned her move including tell the kids. Within two months she packed up their clothes and important papers and left David. Jeff leased a house for them in a northern suburb of Los Angeles. She moved in with the kids and as soon as they were settled she filed for divorce. Jeff moved in shortly after and they married six months later.

Jeff had a good job working in the film industry and Leanne switched careers going to work in an office. They were good for each other and very much in love. He gave her a feeling of security and she taught him how to say I love you. He was shy and hid his fear of emotion by using his wallet to show that he cared. Within the first six months of marriage Jeff and the kids were constantly at odds with each other. Leanne was caught in the middle of loving her husband and her children. She managed to balance separate relationships for three years but it was very stressful. Because she never voiced her own feelings towards them, she inwardly became resentful of everyone. During the third year there was a major fire at Jeffs work and he played a sizable role in the rebuilding. He worked seven days a week, twelve hours a day for six months. He would come home exhausted only to listen to verbal altercations between her and the kids. When he tried to reprimand them, arguments ensued. She tried her best to keep the peace but one day Jeff said he’d had enough. On short notice he walked out and filed for divorce. She was shocked and devastated by his coldness and felt like her heart had been ripped out. While praying he would return she took a second job at night to make ends meet. She drown herself in alcohol every chance she got. It took six months before she accepted he wasn’t coming back. Her older daughter moved in with her boyfriend and her son moved in with friends. That left her youngest daughter with her but she was always gone with friends. Eighteen months later Jeff showed up at her door. Looking sheepish, he told her he had made a big mistake. She had never stopped loving him but needed to share the pain he had caused her. When finished she watched him break down in sobs. Knowing how hard it was for him to share emotions she knew his remorse was real. They spent more time together and then they agreed it might be easier with only one teen at home so they remarried.

The first two years were happy ones but in year three Jeff once again had enormous pressures at work and when Los Angeles suffered the infamous Northridge earthquake he left her alone to check on his department. Leanne suffered internally feeling like his job was more important then his wife and painfully found herself questioning their relationship. Did she want to be married to someone married to his career? His stress caused him to become withdrawn and she felt like she was losing what she’d recaptured. Before she could approach him to talk about their relationship she started having work stress of her own coupled with terrible pain in her neck and shoulders. A visit to the doctor confirmed she had a compressed nerve from repetitious data entry and would have to have surgery. In the spring of 1995 a second doctor diagnosed her with post traumatic stress disorder resulting in the written orders to stay away from work. Needing his support, she instead felt neglected by Jeff. When he got home from work he’d shower and then sit in his recliner and watch TV until it was time to go to bed. He never asked how she was feeling or if there was anything he could do which made her feel even more of a sense of loss in their relationship. She wondered where they were headed. Their intimate life had been at a complete halt for months. With time off work, she was trying to fill her days so she bought her first computer and taught herself how to use it. It quickly became her companion during the day. But soon her days continued late into the night. She signed up for Internet service so she could access the web which was still very young. She browsed sites and quickly became fascinated. There were plenty of sites to entertain, purchase things, and educate by way of online classes. After several weeks of browsing she decided to venture to a place that had previously piqued her interest but she’d never checked out. It was an online chat room. She was flabbergasted that people could talk by typing and it felt as if they were in the same room. She found herself instantly attracted to it and joined in chatting with a lot of people from all over the world. She had more conversation with strangers then she got from her Jeff One night she found herself flirting with some men in a chat room. She only thought of them as a mere interactive toy on her computer. The chat rooms were listed by topic and one night after Jeff had gone to bed she found herself in an adult oriented chat room. She was amazed at what went on in them and found her own senses being awakened.

Her third wedding anniversary was soon approaching and as her online escapades increased she thought perhaps she could use them as one last attempt to rekindle the romance with Jeff. On the evening of their anniversary she dressed up hoping to stir something in Jeff. She tried not to think about the fact he still resented her kids even though two were out on their own. Or that once again she felt caught in the middle. She tried not to remember that he had left her alone after the earthquake. She had felt so crushed that she hadn’t mattered enough for him to stay home with her that secretly she felt he had killed the marriage. But if nothing else on this anniversary she could say she had tried. She fixed a nice dinner and tried to have conversation with him over the sound of ESPN. Later when he went to shower she undressed and lay on the bed. He glanced toward the bed and turned to get his work clothes out for the next day. Yawning several times he lifted back the covers and crawled under. The only thing he grabbed was the remote control. She laid there watching him totally oblivious to her existence and that’s when she knew for sure it was not the kind of marriage she wanted to stay in. This time for her it was over. She leaned over, kissed his cheek and whispered, “Goodnight. Happy Anniversary” and left the bedroom for her virtual companion in her office.

She grew bored with the flirting game. Spending less time on the web and more time working on writing, she worked on several articles that she wanted to get out before surgery later that fall. One night while searching the web for anything referencing writing romance for one of her projects she stumbled across a link for personals. The name was Romantic Rendezvous. Her natural curiosity led her to follow the link. It was a site to post personal ads to meet possible love interests. Curious as to what kind of things people put in their ads she did a search for male, Caucasian, mid thirties to forties, in the United States. It returned a list of thousands which surprised and overwhelmed her. Each had a short bio, some with a picture and a contact e-mail address. She read through a few then narrowed the search to Southern California. Just for the heck of it she decided to post one of her own just to see if she would get a response. She went to the bio page and stared, contemplating what she would and wouldn’t reveal about herself:

“Caucasian, mid forties, blonde, blue-eyed Norwegian. One hundred fifty pounds, five foot eight and a half. Enjoy golfing, camping, traveling, music, and movies. Have great sense of humor yet cry at sad movies. Writing is my number one love. Would be interested in meeting someone European.”

She giggled to herself how ridiculous the concept was but then felt a bit vulnerable as she hit the keyboard sending her soul into cyberspace. As it made its way into the universe she went to bed next to a snoring husband. The next morning she checked her e-mail and was shocked to find fifty e-mails in response to her posting. She read and responded but for each one she sent a new one came in. Some sounded very nice and included their picture. She had a couple of pictures scanned onto a floppy so she could e-mail her picture as well if anyone asked. She laughed to herself as she thought about how desperate everyone must be. If nothing else she enjoyed the conversations as there were few with Jeff. She felt that a little flirtation online was harmless.

In mid September, 1995, she received an e-mail from someone who found her posted bio. His name was Pitar and he lived in Canada. He wrote that her bio was interesting and that she sounded nice. He wanted to know more about her if she didn’t mind sharing. She e-mailed him back as she did everyone saying he sounded nice too. She told him she was married and had three grown children from a previous marriage. Without going into details she told him she was pretty much done with her current marriage. She spoke of her love of writing and that she was doing it in her spare time. She sent her quick reply and didn’t think about him again. She continued reading and answering new email from all over the world. When Pitar answered the following day she vaguely remembered him but he caught her eye as he introduced himself.

9/12/95:

“How are you doing? Thank you for your answer. Well first my name is Pitar and I own a graphic design studio. Im 33, dark hair, blue/gray eyes. I live in Toronto but my roots are in Europe as well as half of my heart. I am a Libra so the right balance means a lot to me. Im a daydreamer, a romantic, a realist and open-minded. Im interested in art, movies, music, travel, computers and animation. This tells you a little bit. What else would you like to know?

Greetings—

Pitar”

She wrote another response, thus, unbeknownst to them this began their diary:

9/12/95:

“You sound wonderful! What type of music do you listen to? What genre of movies do you prefer? I love fantasy but in reality am very responsible. I am a Sagittarius, compatible with Libras except their procrastination! I too am a daydreamer and a romanticist. I think my interests are listed in my bio. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

Leanne”

9/12/95:

“You are wonderful too. We share something special. Words. I was always tempted to dress them up in double meanings. I use to try to name those feelings just before falling asleep. I would write down my dreams after waking up. I found them healing when I was sad and lonely.

Music? Most music, but cello is one of my favourites. Someday Id like to learn how to play. Piano. Lyrics. Music. Im flying away with Cure right now.

Its late and it was one of those days you’d rather forget. I know you’d understand..forgive me.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Pitar”

When she read of his love of words it made her stop and pay more attention. She went back to his first email to re-read what he had written. He sparked enough interest that she wanted to converse more with him. She also found it interesting that he found her just as she had taken an interest in European culture and music. He was new to the Internet as well and both found it fascinating that they could be sitting in front of a computer screen and converse in a matter of minutes.

He emailed again the next morning to continue where hed left off. He shared what kind of movies he liked. Some romantics such as Age of Innocence, but also deeper movies like Pulp Fiction. He loved European movies as they were part of his sub-conscience, honest and deep like Trois Couleurs. He liked flying away with Cure and Jazz moved his soul. He shivered hearing Bach in a church. But he wanted to hear more about her.

The next day was filled with errands so she sent him a quick note saying that she wouldnt be around and would email again when she had time. She left it at that but inside she already felt drawn to this stranger. Later that night after Jeff was asleep she turned on the computer and felt a tinge of excitement from the anticipation of getting to know Pitar more. When she signed in to her email she was surprised to see yet another email from him.

9/14/95:

“How are you? I hope you had a good day. I wish I could just fly away to meet you but I cant. Not yet. Picture. What a lovely idea. I’ll have to send you mine when I get a chance. Isn’t it romantic to know someone only by their writing and let imagination do the rest.. neigh. I’m sure we can do better. I’m still waiting for something about you. Write whatever you feel.

Pitar”

Again she had doctor appointments and other things that filled the next day. She was so tired when she got home that she didnt even turn on the computer. She was fast asleep next to Jeff, back to back. The next morning she wrote back sharing more about herself as he had asked of her.

9/16/95:

“Hi Pitar!

Sorry it took so long to get back to you; busy day yesterday. I wish you could fly away to meet me too! Well, let’s see what I can tell you about myself. I was raised in the Midwest. Moved with my family to California when I was sixteen. Married young, had three kids, got divorced. Remarried someone else but we’ve drifted apart. Thought I could live with the lack of emotion, satisfied by just knowing I was loved but I cant. I am the sign of Cupid. I cannot survive without romantic emotion. I am strong, independent, full of life. I love adventure.

As for music, I listen to country, soft rock, and new age. Blues are good. I enjoy movies filled with romance, action, drama and comedy. Not into horror movies or anything frightening. I love Monet and Van Gogh. My favorite color is the rainbow. My favorite thing is dusk when the world quiets itself and I only hear birds singing lullabies and crickets in a symphony. I love watching the sunset. And day-dreams of beautiful long gazes into a lovers eyes….

I’m deathly afraid of height so I don’t fly. I am very in tune with nature, trees, birds, animals, grass, the sky, the moon, the universe..it is a beautiful place if everyone would just go.

Talk soon–

Leanne”

As though sitting at the computer waiting to hear from her, Pitar wrote back quickly:

9-16-95:

“My Dear Leanne,

Your letter has brought light to my life, filled it with emotions, temptations, desires. It was a great letter: sincere, straight, intelligent, like you. I offered you my friendship. I never expected anything more but I got your time, your attention, your feelings and that means so much to me, especially these days.I’m grateful and I owe you some explanation.I am married, have a 3-year old son and I love him very much. If you are still interested read on:

I dont know you, but it doesn’t really matter. I admire your intellect, sensitivity, sensuality and your friendship. It may as well be a cyber-romance. I guess that’s what’s missing the most from my marriage and I cannot accept that. I thought about finding another woman, because I know it can be different. Someone who’s full of energy; who’s not afraid, who’s a WOMAN however silly that may sound. I LOVE what you wrote about yourself and that scares the shit out of me.

My wife just went for a week somewhere to think about us, if there is anything to hold us together, except our child of course, because I dont think there is. This week I’ll be mostly around at home with my kid. After she comes back I’m hitting the road. I need to feel cold breeze, the sky touching the horizon and dust in my eyes.

I’d love to meet you, be with you, if only for those few days, but I’m scared and don’t want to complicate things. Dreaming again…its still another week.

Keep in touch.

Yours,

Pitar”

Was he suggesting coming to meet her? She was taken aback and spent time re-reading their emails trying to figure out if she’d missed something. Was he possibly one of those kooks she’d heard about that stalk women on the Internet? Yet she felt oddly aware as though she could feel him and sense his emotion. He said his wife would be returning in a week and then it was his turn and he would be leaving for two weeks. She was sure he wasn’t serious about meeting her but he ended his email saying he didn’t want to complicate things. Why would he say that?

She sat on his comment for two days before she responded and mentioned L.A to see what he would say:

9-18-95

“Hi there!!

Your letter was very well written. You and I seem to have the same type of marriage. I didnt mean to scare the shit out of you. You wanted to know who I am and I told you. First and foremost I am a hopeless romantic and it always seems to be the elusive butterfly. Love is a sacred canvas; something two people should use as a paint brush to create the most beautiful painting in the world. Sex follows when the fire that runs within has stayed alive. I am sorry for the heartache you must be feeling right now. It WILL get better. If you are ever in L.A. I would love to share a sunset with you.

Leanne”

Little did she know that their destiny was already in motion. She was stunned when he wrote again. His words cried out on the pages.

9/18/95:

“My dearest Leanne,

You hurt me as much as one can hurt. I don’t know how many times I checked my e-mail but just when I started to come to terms with losing, you came back… and I’m so happy. This must’ve been the first time I reached out for somebody, not just anybody, and I found you. Intelligent, sensual, close… that’s why you’re so precious. It has nothing to do with what I’ve been feeling recently. I’ve stood many times in the window at night, gazing at lights in a building across the street, looking out to a street way below… but I never accepted being alone… I’ll do whatever it takes not to. That’s why you SCARE me so much. I am so scared that I may fall for you. I am so vulnerable and I know it. I have so much love and passion to give. I got married young and innocent. We’ve been married for about ten years now, and when I think about all those lost years, perhaps the best years of my life, I get mad. At myself. That I allowed it. But right now I don’t care. I want to feel the way I feel right now. I know I have to meet you and it’s more than coincidence that it may happen so soon.

Though I speak with the tongues of angels, if I have not love my words would resound with but a tinkling of a cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge and though I have all faith that I could move mountains, if I have not love I am nothing.

Love is patient, full of goodness. Love tolerates all things, aspires to all things.

Love never dies. While the prophecies shall be done away, tongues shall be silenced; knowledge shall fade thus then shall linger only faith, hope, and love.

But greatest of these is love.

There are movies I keep coming back to such as Bleu..have you seen it? So sad but honest. As I listen to opera I detect sadness..the whole world around me has become sorrowful..for another six days.

Yours-

Pitar”

It would be two years before she would learn that those words were actually from the Bible. But at the time she felt he was baring his soul. He seemed too good to be true. Where was the bad side? When would he admit that he wasn’t serious? When would the psychotic side surface? She wrote a quick answer letting him know she was still there for him asking him why he had such urgency.

9-19-05:

“I certainly didnt mean to hurt you! I have a lot of things going on in my life right now. My kids are causing me grief. My marriage is miserable. I have to see a therapist-two in-fact. And I’m having surgery later this year. There are a lot of other things going on too. I can tell from your letters that you are bitter about your marriage. Been there, done that! I’ve been given everything I have ever asked for in life except for the one thing I wanted most…that one true everlasting fire and passion filled love. I too have been a daydreamer for most of my life. As a child I would stare out my window at the sunset…the warm beautiful colors wrapped themselves around my very soul and made me feel something I had never felt before. I understand feeling vulnerable….so am I…so to make it easier we will just start as friends. You will not always feel as sorrowful as you do now. Destiny has a way of taking care of what you need if you just let go. I don’t understand your urgency in your email though. I can feel you; so please explain.

I send you a kiss–”

His response the next day shouldn’t have but it took her by surprise:

9-20-05:

“My dear Leanne,

I’m so glad you wrote about your marriage, children, yourself. I’m so sorry. I know you were tired and sad and that made me sad too. I dont know what to say; write or think. I believe I shouldn’t be driving my car. Something happened and I can’t control it. I am drunk but I haven’t had any..I think about you all the time. Forgive me. I have no right to step suddenly into your life. I wrote about my fears, but I know I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t try. I’d like to come meet you. Please, let me know if you want it.

I know it’s crazy. Skies away. But I have no choice. I hope you understand..and imagine how impatiently I’ll be waiting for your reply.

Yours,

Pitar”

She sat back in her chair stunned as though she was hearing it for the first time! Was he really going to fly to California? Suddenly she felt frightened and excited at the same time. She questioned why he would fly three thousand miles to just to meet her. His explanation was a confession:

9-20-95:

“My dearest Leanne-

You haven’t answered my question. Tell me if you want to meet me. I’m coming to L.A. next Monday. If you meet me and don’t like what you see, you can just walk away. I was going to spend those two weeks traveling through the states by hitchhiking. I have a better idea now. Yes, Toronto is pretty far but the world isn’t as big as it use to be.

I have a small secret to reveal though. It was the end of July when a bunch of us rented a cottage up north. One day someone put cards on the table, you know, fortune telling stuff..we all laughed when a blonde was always on my heart..I know it’s silly and you’re going to laugh too, but now it all makes sense doesn’t it? Let’s leave it as a romantic sign. Please tell me what you think about all this. Have a nice day. I kiss you too.

Yours,

Pitar”

Slightly apprehensive she felt drawn to wanting to meet him as well, but wanted to at least talk to him on the phone first. He had tried several times to e-mail his picture but she could never open it so she had no idea what he even looked like. At least he knew what she looked like from her bio on Romantic Rendezvous. She gave him her number and told him he could call the next morning after Jeff left for work. Filled with anticipation she had trouble sleeping that night. She sat up reading though all their e-mails which she had saved. She wondered what she should say on the phone. And of course she felt some guilt about Jeff even though there hadn’t been any real conversation between them in months. Besides..she had no plans of being unfaithful……

The next morning the phone rang and she nervously answered. Hello? His voice was deep and barely above a whisper. She found his shyness sweet and his low voice sexy. He said there was no pressure and she didn’t have to meet him if she didn’t want to. He didn’t want to cause problems. But she knew she had to at least meet him face to face if only to say hello. After they hung up she lay on the bed she had shared with Jeff for so many years and daydreamed about a faceless man across the Northern Continent. She composed a message that shared her thoughts.

“I want to at least share that sunset with you. But I have some fear. Not what you are thinking. What if there is MAGIC when we meet? What would we do? Look at our lives! We’re both married. Who will get hurt?”

Their emotions bounced back and forth over the next couple of days, as they wanted it, yet didn’t and just what was “it”? Then she remembered that he said if she didn’t like what she saw she could leave. He would hitchhike around California. But what if? She didnt want to think about it– yet she felt compelled to start sharing her romantic images with him. He responded that they had to face reality:

“Wake up!! I love my son and will not lose him. I have to come back! Your romance scenes were beautiful. We are two souls lost in the darkness. I can’t be with you for two weeks and then go home and pretend for the rest of my miserable life. I wouldn’t forget it, would you? Yet when I think of you I shiver and I can’t stop myself from going half way around the world to see you.”

Both frightened and confused they discussed the reality of his coming to meet her and both agreed that they had their own lives…period! And that was that. While her roots were in California, he belonged with his son. If staying together with his wife was what he had to do to be with his son, he would. He had to try to make it work. But his words were embedded in her heart. “Yet when I think of you I shiver and I can’t stop myself from going half way around the world to see you.” His sensitivity ran through her veins. She wanted to be able to comfort him and explain what was happening to them when he asked but she didn’t know herself. They were very different in many ways. One obvious way from the beginning was their taste in music. Although she had just started listening to some classical, opera and eighties she was mainly still listening to country-rock. While he e-mailed her the lyrics from a foreign film, she was sending lyrics to a slow yearning country tune. When she expressed the confusion he was creating by saying he wanted to meet her and then telling her they had to wake up he responded with more lyrics. This time from Cure’s From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea. “Every time we do this I fall for you. Wave after wave after wave. So we watched the sun come up from the edge of the deep green sea.” She knew he was thinking about the sunset that she wanted to show him. Although both wondered what would happen when they met, she told him that destiny would let them know. They exchanged e-mail until late the evening of September 24th. His plane would arrive the next morning. She gave him her cell phone number and told him to call when he got off the plane. She would be parked nearby and drive to the terminal when he was ready.

Monday, September 25, 1995 he boarded a plane bound for L.A. She had tossed and turned all night; so many thoughts racing through her head. She wondered what he looked like. How awkward would meeting be? Where would she take him? Where would he stay at night? She felt guilty as her husband slept next to her. Her thoughts frightened and excited her. What if she were attracted to him? Would she sleep with him? Would she be capable of having an affair? As dawn broke she was out of bed the minute she heard Jeffs car leave the driveway. Looking in the mirror she knew today would be the day Pitar would see the blonde, blue-eyed, woman listed on the personals. She squirted a mist of perfume and headed out the door. She arrived at the airport at ten and parked in an outdoor parking lot so her cell phone wouldnt miss his call. She turned the radio on low and tried to remain calm. At ten-twenty the phone rang. He was outside of Bradley International. He told her he would be standing at the curb. Nervously she pulled to the inside lanes of Canada 3000. About a hundred feet ahead she saw a man standing on the outside curb. He wore black pants, a black shirt and brown European sandals. As she pulled along side him she saw that all he was carrying was a green duffel bag. She smiled and he meekly smiled back. He put his bag in the back seat and sat down in front. His eye contact was very quick and she greeted him with a peck on the cheek. “Welcome to California”, she smiled, and handed him a long stemmed rose. Appearing very shy he glanced over and thanked her barely above a whisper. They left the airport and headed north on the San Diego Freeway. Along the way she kept the conversation going by asking about his flight even though she had butterflies in her stomach. She glanced over at him several times. He was clean-shaven and looked like he had cut himself that morning. His hair was short, straight and medium brown in the style the English mod bands were wearing. The frames of his glasses were oval and changed with the light to sunglasses. She asked him to remove his glasses so she could see the two different eye colors he told her about. She could easily see a very big distinction of one blue and gray. The song Hungry Like a Wolf played in her head. There was something about Pitar that she just couldn’t put her finger on. He didn’t feel like a stranger and she was more comfortable and relaxed in his presence than she thought she would be.

He looked out the window at the scenery of yet another foreign land as they headed down the Sepulveda Pass into the San Fernando Valley. She had a doctor appointment and asked if he wouldn’t mind waiting for an hour. “Absolutely”, he said. “I don’t want to change any of your normal day-to-day life. Ill just go for a walk.” When she was done Pitar was nowhere to be found. She worried that he walked too far and was lost. Or perhaps he backed out and took off to hitch hike California instead without even saying goodbye. She took off in the car to look for him. As she neared the stop sign at the end of the block she caught a flash of something in the rear view mirror. She looked in the mirror only to see Pitar running after her car like a little boy. In his hand he held a fresh rose that he had picked from someone’s yard. He jumped in short of breath and bashfully handed it to her. He was so soft spoken and tender that she couldn’t help but like him. They headed north again toward the foothills of the Santa Clarita Valley. The Santa Monica Mountains were just ahead and on a clear day such as it was, the view was beautiful. “Where do you want to stay?” she asked, wondering how close to home she should bring him. Looking straight ahead he replied, “Anywhere inexpensive is fine with me. I don’t need much.” She already knew she was going to want to spend more time with him but she needed to be careful. They reached the bottom of the pass leading up to the foothills of Santa Clarita. There was a reservoir off to the west. A gas station, a Denny’s restaurant and a motel sat to the east. The motel was inexpensive and not too far from home. She waited while he checked in and then they went up and dropped off his bag. She walked him to Denny’s to get something to drink and to chat. The more she talked the more he emerged himself into conversation. He asked questions and shared some of himself. They talked about their backgrounds, where they grew up, about their families, and heritage. He told her about his marriage and his son. She told him about hers. Each shared pictures from their wallets. He didn’t ask her what to see or do in Los Angeles. He didn’t seem too interested. He was more interested in knowing more about her and was very attentive. If she spoke of sad times he looked sad. When she told humorous stories he laughed. He listened with interest to a short synopsis of her life. Occasionally he would cover her hands with his making her feel cared for. After three hours of talking they left the restaurant and she walked him to his room. She stepped inside for a few minutes to discuss the plans for the next day. About to leave, she leaned over to give him a goodbye kiss on the cheek but he turned his face towards hers and waited. The air suddenly turned electrifying! After only six hours together he was exactly what he said he wasn’t in his e-mail two nights before. He was her dream.

She made eye contact and at that very moment they both lost complete control. They looked at each other and instinctively knew it was more than just physical. There was a very strong connection emotionally even though they hardly knew each. Neither one had to say it. It was written on their faces. She brushed her lips ever so softly against his not sure what to expect. But they were swept away from earth in that moment where nothing or no one else existed. They kissed and made love and talked for the next two hours. There was no laughing or joking. There were only feelings in the room. Nothing that could really be named. Just emotions beginning to spin out of control. When the time came for her to leave he asked if he would see her the next day. How could she not see him? This wasn’t about sex. It wasn’t about love either. Was it? Then what was `this’ anyway? Although neither one said anything at that moment they were both wondering the same thing. She told him she would call him later that night after Jeff went to sleep so they could talk. It was a rude awakening to say she had to go home to her husband after what had just happened. Driving home, visions of the day plowed through her head. Reality set in that she had just been unfaithful and was now going to drive home and act like nothing had happened. Why had she done it? She tried to be her own psychiatrist while driving. Jeff had been unfaithful during their first marriage but she understood the cirmcumstances with work stress and the stress of her kids. She had loved him so much that she forgave him and agreed to get remarried. But now she found herself questioning if she had truly forgiven him. Had she just cheated because there had been an opportunity for her to get even with him? No. She knew that wasn’t the answer because that had been such a painful experience that she wouldn’t have wished that on anyone, not even Jeff. He may not have been demonstrative with his feelings but she knew he loved her. He was a decent, intelligent man and a good provider. He matched her quick wit perfectly which for some reason had disappeared the past year. He seemed emotionally detached. But perhaps it was her that was detached this time and he felt it. Yes, for her because of the abandonment during the earthquake and the issue of her kids again, she had felt the second marriage was over even before she met Pitar. She had done this for the feelings she had just felt. Because she had a sensitive heart and needed a sensitive man and Pitar, with his shy little-boy grin holding a flower in his hand had just given her what she needed. He gave from the heart.



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