Jean Lund's Blog

{September 25, 2011}   Things My Mother Never Told Me That She Should Have Been Fired For, For Withholding
The older I get, the more ticked off I become at my Mom. There are so many things that she never told me that I had to find out for myself. Now you may think I’m talking about her background. About her childhood, and relatives I never knew, great grandfathers and grandmothers and what our heritage was. Or her cooking secrets. Or her views and feelings on life.  While sharing all those sorts of memories, past and present would have been nice, I wish I’d been told of the following:
 1. I wish she would have told me that one day I would discover I was bleeding and not to panic. I hadn’t hurt myself but this “girl thing” had started. As in my PERIOD!!!!!!!!! I was 12 years old for God’s sake and grew up in the wilderness!!!!!  I had no idea, and then one morning I got up to get ready for the school bus and discovered I was full of blood!  Sheer panic over-took me as I thought somehow I had cut myself with a fishing knife in my sleep (well remember, I did live in a sparse rural area of Minnesota on a lake!) and was going to die. I broke my neck racing to my Mom’s bed only to learn I would be wearing this silly ass skinny jockey strap for the rest of my life! It had a hook on either end to slide in the wide kotex straps holding up a giant center piece in the middle of your underwear! Mortfied, off to school I went.The boys weren’t the only ones walking with an effing bulge in their pants all day!  No warning!!  Thanks Ma!
 2.  I take that back about having to wear a kotex for the rest of my life. The second thing I wish she would have told me is that both she and her mother started menopause at 39!!!  HOLY SHIT -n- SHINOLA!!!!  I was lucky I suppose. I didn’t start until 41. And like them, thank God, it wasn’t so bad. I spotted a few months and then it stopped. No hot flashes (although I did have one really warm wave come over me in the beginning) no change of personality into a raging lunatic (well not anymore then a hot tempered Sagittarus normally has anyway) no crying spells. Nothing. If my periods hadn’t stopped I would have never known. In fact here it is 13 years later and I am still wondering when it will be “done.” How do you know when you’re done? Yeah MA, why didn’t you tell me all THIS shit???
3. My Mom didn’t tell me squat about aging and what happens that’s “normal.” So ladies let me allow you to learn from my experience.
     A) You start to get freckles on your arms and hands. You think it’s from the sun. It’s not!  It’s the start of your body’s downward spiral.  And you might get freckles here and there but they ain’t freckles!  They are aging spots. And those bigger brown ones? They’re “liver spots!”  What the efff do we get “liver” spots” for? What’s my liver got to do with my hand looking like a small bird shit on it? It’s another reminder that your golden age is up ahead. More my mother never told me about.  Maybe she thought she was doing me a favor. Maybe she thought she was saving me from the sense of doom my future held in store for me. Well hell!!  When you’re 14 or 16 or even 25 or 30, you think OLD is light years away for yourself!  This age crap really is causing me severe anxiety and that ain’t no shit!!
     B)  As fast as you start to gain freckles and liver spots, the faster you start to lose hair!  Who would have thought?? Men yes, women? Now Way Jose! One day I looked down at my legs thinking it’s time to shave them and there was hardly anything there!  Now I knew it had been a few weeks before I last shaved so I should have looked pretty raggedy by then but I had to actually search to find a few blonde hairs!  So I looked under my arm and I remember gasping out loud that I had NO HAIR!!!!!! And what the fuck happened to my eyebrows??! I don’t even want to discuss my poo-tang! I may have to investigate hair plugs for that part of my body!! I was as panicked as the time I woke up my Mom when I started my period but damnit all tah hell if my Mom and Grandmom ain’t dead now so I can’t ASK!!  Why the hell did I have to learn this shit on my own?


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