Jean Lund's Blog

{September 25, 2011}   My Thoughts in General
I can’t wait until I get old enough to go to a nursing home. I’ll get to crap in my pants again like I did when I was young and sit in it. They’ll feed and water me once a week with the plants…if I’m good.
Why do people think you want to be forwarded every fricking joke they receive in their e-mail? I hate these bastards who clog up my e-mail artery. Get a LIFE! And if you are going to send me jokes, let’s just stick to the cartoons. They are quick and every once in a blue moon I actually get a joke that makes me laugh!
What the hell are the grocery stores trying to do? Test our intelligence???  How many of you have gone to the store and really looked at the eggs before buying them? Have you ever really looked at the ones marked “Large?” I ask you, do they really look large to you? For crying out loud, my 5 year old grandson has huevo’s larger than the eggs marked “Large!” So you move up a box and open the EXTRA large carton and what do you see? Eggs that look the exact same size as the LARGE eggs!! Do they think they are FOOLING us??? The price has gone up almost a buck a dozen for the same size eggs marked in a box as extra large. And what ever happened to the eggs marked small??? Oh yes, there use to be eggs in cartons that were small eggs. They looked just like the ones in the store today marked large and extra large. It’s as if they decided to cut the portions down and keep the same price. And just how do these eggs get so small anyway? Is there something in the feed that they give the chickens that stunts the eggs growth? Somewhere in America is someone raising midget chickens? So you move up to the JUMBO eggs…now THERE’S an egg!  Much the same as the way I remember large eggs looking. Course add another dollar to the dozen now.  Did you know you can go to Costco and get 3 DOZEN “large” eggs that are really medium for the same price you pay for one dozen jumbo at the store? Case closed!
Here’s a point: If you or I were traveling alone in the car pool lane we would get a huge fine if caught. So why is it that the car pool people are allowed to drive in the fast lane without getting a ticket? How many times have you been clipping along only to be slowed down by the car in front you that is full of people? Do you find yourself yelling “Get the hell over in the car pool lane where you belong you MORON!!!” like I do???
Thoughts from my dreams on 2/15/02:
Men and sex are like gas stations. When you need one just say “Fillerup!” then leave. If he was high octane see him again for a refill. But if he “pings” change stations. But then I relate flushing a radiator with douching so whaaado I know?? :)))
Speaking of douching……ladies!!!! Ever notice that men always make comments about women and the smell of fish??? The truth of the matter is that the odor comes from them and that smell only shows up after having sex with them. They deny it but compare it ladies. Don’t have sex for……..let’s say…………a month (masterbation doesn’t count) and you’ll find there’s no real reason to douche. There’s no foul odor. Then have sex with a man and you’ll smell that “fish” smell immediately. And you can’t leave the house until you’ve douched out of fear that anyone standing close to you will catch wind of it. So you gotta douche! No sex with a man, no fish. It doesn’t take a mental giant to figure out who’s causing that fish smell!! However I do find that when I “self serve” myself numerous times there “is” an aroma but it is strong, sweet, sensuous, heady, and intoxicating. Probably the kind that Al Pacino meant when he was talking about the Scent of a Woman. And if the men don’t like the smell of fish, remind them of it the next time they want to take off for the weekend “with the boys” to go bass fishing!!!
What if reincarnation is for real? Is that what happened to people walking around with split personalities?
I had a friend ask me if I have ever picked my nose and tried to flick the booger without anyone noticing only to discover you’ve got a sticky booger on your finger? And they just won’t roll into a ball will they? No, they just spread all over your finger and the only way to get rid of it is to wipe it on your pants or along some wall you pass. EWE!!  He’s no longer my friend! YUK!
Why do they release the flu shot after flu season has started? By then you’ve got the flu so they won’t give you the shot. By the time you’re well enough for the shot, flu season is over and you don’t need it. So don’t tell me there’s a shortage of vaccines. And why does all our flu’s come from foreigners? That’s a good enough reason to close our borders right there!
Ladies: Why do male gynecologists think we will relax while they shove a cold shoe horn up our twat? Know what I’m gonna do? The next time I need an exam I’m going to start moaning and writhing and crying “Yes, yes, oh, more, more!!” That oughta fix `em!!
Where were all the psychics on September 11th? Were their guides asleep on the job?
If I hear “exclusive” one more time on the news I’m gonna SCREAM! And what constitutes the beginning of “Storm Watch?” In Los Angeles, it’s one tenth of an inch of rain. I DON’T THINK SO!
I really don’t care if Tom Cruise is gay. Do you??
Ever have to take a poop when you’re in a hurry and it decides to hold you hostage? It couldn’t just be a plop, wipe, I’m outta here turd. Oh no! It has to be the pasty I’m gonna make you use a whole roll of toilet paper to wipe kind of poop. And of course with so many attempts, just one of the swipes has to land crap on your finger so you gotta double wash your hands too! Hell, I want a catheter! Gimme a tube so I can take the bag out with the morning trash.
The utility companies advertise the wise use of appliances by telling us to avoid running our appliances during the peak hours of 4-7PM. Well if we adhere to that, doesn’t that kind of strip 4-7PM of it’s title of “peak hours”?
How come we never hear elevator music anymore?
Is there anywhere in the Bible that it says it’s a sin to say fuck, shit, piss, damn, asshole, bastard, prick, or pussy? Why do people have such a problem with that? What prude gasped out loud at the first mention and decided it was sinful? Have you ever been really thinking of the true meaning of the words when saying them? I mean when you call someone an asshole are you really thinking of some big hairy crack with an outlet?? I’m not. When I say shit the last thing on my mind is “Oh, I better get rid of that lunch I ate.”  And when you say Goddamn you are you really talking to God asking him to damn someone? When you yell Jesus Christ are you really thinking of our Savior? I’m not. So what’s wrong with saying these words? I feel good when I say them. They give me some kind of release like endorphins. My gut feels much better yelling fuck then “oh gosh darn.” Think about it and tell me what the big deal is would you?
Men? Why do you always have to ask a woman if she’s cum yet??? For Christs sake (see above regarding bad words) if we haven’t cum you have now succeeded in putting the pressure on us. That in turn makes us lose our concentration. Loss of concentration almost makes us have to start over from the beginning. You make us think you’re getting tired and usually you are since your ten seconds has cum and gone! We can’t just pole vault over to the other side like you guys can. We are aware of your need for speed but we ain’t goin’ anywhere cuz we need at least 30 minutes. So eat your wheaties and stop asking!!!! If you can’t tell when your woman is having an orgasm you need to go check out some books and brush up on your skills cuz if you can’t tell that, lemme tell you somethin’. You ain’t nothing us women can brag about!!
My son and his wife and I went out for breakfast on Mother’s Day and on the way home we drove next to a car that had it’s company info on the drivers door. It said: Santa Clarita Sleep Disorder Center with a phone number.  
My son and I are a lot alike. He pitches a pretty good bitch himself. He sent me an e-mail at work the other day entitled I’m fuckin nuts and even though it was a string of bad luck, I nearly fell off my chair laughing because I so know the feeling. Without further ado and with his permission I am posting his letter to me here:
“I just got home after having shitty buffet Chinese over in Newhall off Calgrove, then went to Rite Aid to fill Krystal’s prescriptions, $44.55 FUCK! Cause we didn’t get them filled at Olive View for free cause the line was too long, so we went to Rite Aid and I told Krystal to “Ask” how much it’s gonna be, cause if it’s like $40.00 bucks forget it, we will go back to Olive View, but she didn’t ask, and there was people in line behind us and she said “$44.55” she already used or stamped our prescription paper so we couldn’t get it back to go to the Hospital. So we paid full price, instead of going back to Olive view, seeing the Doctor without an appointment, drawing a number and waiting to drop off the prescription, then drawing another number and waiting to pick it up! Fuck it, we took it up the ass and bit the bullet and paid the 45 bucks. Then I’m bitching as we were coming home; I haven’t showered since Tuesday morning! So we pull up and THE WATER STILL ISN’T ON! So I went up to toothless and ask “whose working on the water pipe?” he said he is, I said how long does it take to fix a water main? I busted one and we fixed it in a couple hours! It has been 3 days since I showered and I need the water working, he said……’s on! I said we just checked and it off, he laughed and said it will be on in a minute then! Fuckin’ numb nuts toothless incompetent white trash wannabe maintenance man! I get stressed when it’s hot, I stink and haven’t showered in days, get ripped off for 45 bucks, eat bad Chinese food and am running outta money quickly while waiting for my last two fuckin’ unemployment checks! I’m not stressed about Vinny being born, that will be the only good thing! It will make me forget about all this bullshit!
May 6th, 2004
Love your disturbed son, Frankie
My daughter bought a car last week. She hasn’t had a car in several years due to an unpaid ticket that cost her her license. She finally cleared that up. Her excitment was that she can now haul around her band equipment from place to place. I had to chuckle not only on WHO she bought the car from but what KIND of car she bought. She bought a “taxi” from a priest!!!!  Yes, that’s right, she bought a used taxi!! From a PRIEST! HA! I told her that her prayers had been answered. Maybe her long time boyfriend could drive it for a living! :))

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